The Alphabet. (eh?)

[Okay. First of all, credit where credit is due. The rest of this scribble is a word-to-word reproduction of a brilliant piece of comic relief I came across on the internet (the exact location of which has unfortunately slipped from my mind). I neither demand nor deserve credit for it. So, here goes...]

A is for ‘Awpheesh’ ( as in Office ). This is where the average Kolkattan goes and spends a day hard at work. If he works for the ‘West Bengal Gorment’ he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea-break at 12, throw around a few files at 12:30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It’s a hard life !

B is for ‘Bhision’. For some reason, most Bengalees don’t possess ‘good bhision’. In fact, in Kolkata most people wear spectacles all the time…

C if for 'Chappell'. This was once the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. At night, mothers have been known to put their kids to sleep saying, “Ghumiye poro, shona.. Naa ghumoley Chappell eshe dhore niye jaabe !! “

D is for Debashish. Or any other name starting with 'Deb'. By an ancient law, every fourth Bengalee child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and, trying to get creative, they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim, Debojyoti etc. thrown in at times.

E is for ‘Eeesh’. This is a very common expression made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie ‘Devdas’. It’s estimated that on an average, a Bengalee – especially Bengalee women – use 'eeesh' 10,089 times each year. ‘Ei morechhey’ is a close second to ‘Eeesh’.

F is for ‘Feeesh’. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalees. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengalee knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say “ Eeesh, what feeesh is theesh !! “

G is for ‘good name’. Every Bengalee boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla etc. Girls, on the other hand, have their ‘good name’s ranging from Priyanka to Sulagna and sport pet-names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku etc.

H is for ‘Harmonium’. This is the Bengali equivalent to a rock guitar. Take four Bengalees and a harmonium and you have the successors of ‘The Bheatles’ !!

I is for “Ileesh’. This is a 'feesh' with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalees eat with ‘rayleeesh’ !!

J is for ‘Jhola’. No self-respecting Bengalee is complete without his Jhola. It’s a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits in an amazing number of things. Even as you read, there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata.. and they ALL look EXACTLY THE SAME !! Note that ‘Jhol’ as in ‘Macchher Jhol’ finishes a close second.

K is for ‘Kee Kaando!’ It used to be the favourite expression until ‘eeesh’ took over.

L is for ‘Lungi’ – the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it, not to mention the daily morning trip to the local bazaar ! Now, there’s talk of a ‘Lungi expedition’ to the Mt. Everest !!

M is for ‘Minibus’. These are dangerous half-buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers.

N is for ‘Nangto’. This is the Bengali word for ‘naked’. It’s the most interesting naked word in any language !

O is for 'Oil'. The Bengalees believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil in the throat) to piles (oil you-know-where !)

P is for ‘Phootball’. This is always a 'phavourite phassion' of the Kolkattan. Every Bengalee is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs are Mohun Bagan and East Bengal and, when they play, the city comes to a stop.

Q is for 'Queen'. {There’s nothing that this had to do with either the Bengalees or Kolkata, but it’s the only ‘Q’-word I could think of at this moment. There’s also ‘Quilt’, but they never use them in Kolkata. }

R is for 'Robi Thakur'. Many many years ago, Rabindranath Tagore got the Nobel prize. This has given the right to all Bengalees, no matter where they are, to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This also gives Bengalees the birthright to look down on Delhi and Mumbai, and of course, all ‘non-Bengalees’ ! Special mention must also be made of ‘Rawshowgolla’, which finishes second.

S is for 'Shourav'. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer and a captain, Bengalees think that he should be allowed to play until he is 70 yrs old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in good form by doing a little bit of ‘joggo’ and ‘maanot’.

T is for 'Tram'. Hundred years later, there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry, it’s faster to walk.

U is for ‘Aambrella’.

V is for ‘Bhaayolence’. Bengalees are the most non-violent people around. When an accident happens, they’ll fold up their sleeves, shout, scream (and curse and abuse) “ Chherey de bolchhi !! “, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

W is for 'Water'. For 3 months of the year, the city is underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this !

X is for 'X’mas'. It’s very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up and all Bengalees agree that they must eat cake that day.

Y is for ‘Yesshtaarday’. Which is always better than today for a Bengalee.

Z is for 'Jebra', 'Jipper' and 'Jylophone'.